Thursday, September 24, 2020
Children Jokes

Cold Cream Jokes Times

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Davie. “Giving up?”

You Get What You Ask For Jokes Times

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.” She then asked little Alec what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SH*T.”

Mommy, How Old Are You Jokes Times

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. “Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.

“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what her age is.”

“Why not?” demanded Jenny.

“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow up.”

Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask people.”

“Why not?” demanded Jenny.

“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You’ll understand some day.”

“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”

“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really can’t talk about it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”

The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, “All you have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”

So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”

Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.” “Jenny, where did you learn this?”, her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, “And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just gasped and asked, “Why?”

Jenny replied, “Because you got an F in sex!”

Frog Sound Jokes Times

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?

Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will You please make a sound like a frog?”

Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that.I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”

Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please…Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”

“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa Asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”

Checkout Counter Jokes Times

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming. He gave her that “who are you look,” and couldn’t remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. “Look,” she said “I’m really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!”

Then he got a little panicky. “I don’t remember her,” he thought but, MAYBE….during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?”

“No”, she said with a horrified look on her face.

“I’m your son’s second grade teacher.”

Fingers Jokes Times

A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them and then went back to packing.

He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

He said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my boogie?

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