Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”
The young man replied, “Well, in your advertisement, you said you wanted somebody with great imagination.”
The horse’s trainer meets the jockey before the race and says,
“All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, It’s no good, I’ll have to do it, and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he, deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf, he is just BLIND!”
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient’s room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion,”Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”
The doctor inquired, “And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?”
“Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.”
The doctor asks, “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”
“What? And work in the dark?”
As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying ” I’m going to give you a bracelet.”
” Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ? ” I ask coyly.
” No, ” he said. ” But it’ll cost just as much. “
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It’s not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…
The Queen of England is touring an American Hospital with the Surgeon General.
As they walk through the corridors she looks into a patient’s room. In the room, is a man laying on his bed masturbating. “Oh my stars! What on earth is going on in there?!” exclaimed the Queen.
The Surgeon General replied, “Why mam, this man has a serious testicle disorder, if he does not relieve himself this way at least five times a day, they will fill up with semen and explode.” “Oh, the poor dear!” the Queen said sorrowfully.
Further up the hall the queen looks into another patient’s room and there is a man laying on his bed with a nurse giving him a blow job!
“That’s disgusting!” exclaimed the queen, “What’s going on in there?!”
The Surgeon General replied, “same problem, better health plan.”
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