Friday, March 29, 2024
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Flowers

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Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women Jokes Times

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don’t cry.

A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.

Dogs don’t shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog’s parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don’t hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs can’t talk.

Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

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Beware of the Parrot Jokes Times

This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there’s a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. He opens the gate and walks into the garden.

He gets as far as the parrot’s perch, when suddenly, it calls out: “REX, ATTACK!”

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Getting the most from your I.T. department Joeks Times

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee.That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.

10. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.

12. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

14. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?”. That motivates us.

15. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times.Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

16. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

17. Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy blew up”.

18. Don’t use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

21. When you get a message saying “Are you sure?” click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you ?

22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don’t have any money to speak of anyway.

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that computer crap”. We don’t mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, callI.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.

25. When you can’t find someone in the government directory, call I.T.Support.

26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T.Support. We love to hack.

27. When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretariat call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know anything about the problem.

28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone asa mail attachment. We’ve got lots of disk space on that mail server.

29. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: “Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWNone floor?!?” That’s another one that cracks us up no end.

31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company.People out in Birmingham like to keep abreast of what’s going on.

32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on aSaturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

33. Don’t bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office,leave the documentation at home. We’ll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

Your friendly computer guy.

The Gift Jokes Times

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

“Is it wine?” she guessed.

“No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, ” Champagne ?

“No,” said the little boy… “It’s a puppy!”

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Dead Rabbit Jokes Times

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor’s daughter’s rabbit. For years I Had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon Finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as “natural causes”.Within the hour, the neighbour’s car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only thistime she stopped about six feet away andscreamed “DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am, I Rushed to fence and asked if there was anythingI could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in it’s cage?”

Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill Jokes Times
  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
  4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
  6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  9. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
  12. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

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