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Doctor

Vet vs. Doc

Jun 4, 2021

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A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet – I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?”

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if THAT doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.”

Railroad

Jun 4, 2021

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A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden

Jun 4, 2021

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God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden Jokes Times

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

“Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well … you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring … So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret…

“You know, woman to woman.”

Prison vs Housewife

Jun 4, 2021

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In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat
it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can
spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again
because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control
and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane and Spot and
worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the
next twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of
papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and
then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after
your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in
your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and
what the heck is free time again?

In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to
keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till
you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s and
get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make
sure nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and
then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you
to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home…stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

Hospital Trolley

Jun 4, 2021

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A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.

She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.

The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea.We’re just painting the corridor.”