Tuesday, March 19, 2024
Children Jokes

Things Mother Taught Me... Jokes Times

My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.”

And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

Dumb Kid Jokes Times

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Mommy and Daddy Jokes Times

There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer.

So the teacher asks Bobby, “What is this animal called?”

“I dunno,” claims Bobby.

So then she says, “I’ll give you a hint: it’s what your mother calls your father.”

The boy thinks for a minute and then says, “Oh that’s what a son of a bitch looks like!”

Dead Dog Jokes Times

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again. “Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.

“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

Letter to Mum Jokes Times

A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams. I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we’ll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I’ll visit, so you can know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, it’s not true. I’m at the neighbour’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school’s report card that’s in my desk’s drawer… I love you!

Indian Chosen Name Jokes Times

A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college. When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said: I’m having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name. How did you come to give your children such odd names”?

His father said: “When your brother was born, I looked out the teepee and I saw an eagle flying so I named him Little Eagle and when your sister was born, I looked out the teepee and saw a deer grazing, so I named her spotted fawn. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking”?

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