Aussie Flight Simulator

Jun 4, 2021

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This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO’s Land Operations/Simulation division.

They’d been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter’s position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icons, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they demonstrated this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots decided to get “down and dirty” with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzzed them, and watched them scatter. The visiting Americans nodded appreciatively… then gaped as the kangaroos ducked around a hill, and launched about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. The programmers looked rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove *that* part of the infantry coding… and the Americans left muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife….

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place….

Mongolian VD

Jun 4, 2021

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.

You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way.”

“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”

Assassin

Jun 4, 2021

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.”I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

The Night Train

Jun 4, 2021

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A man and an attractive woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, “I’ve got a better idea. Let’s pretend we’re married”

“Hey, terrific idea!”, says the eager man.

“Good”, she replies, “GET YOUR OWN BLANKET!”

Engineers’ Car

Jun 4, 2021

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Three engineers are riding down the road in a car. Suddenly, the car begins to develop trouble. It’s sputtering and it sounds like it’s going to stall.

The first engineer is a chemical engineer. He says, “It could be something in the fuel line. Lets put an additive into the gas and maybe that will take care of the problem.”

The second engineer is an electrical engineer. She says, “It could be something in the electrical system. Let’s replace the wires and the distributor cap. Maybe that will take care of the problem.”

The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says, “It could be that we’ve too many windows open. Let’s close all the windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the windows again. Maybe that will take care of the problem.”

You Complain too much

Jun 4, 2021

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On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!”

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”.

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”